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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he"d never gone to work that morning..
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he"s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "A senator?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Prime Minister?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"
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Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
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The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show In a small town in Oklahoma.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid *** blonde jokes! What makes you think You can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have To do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women Like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our Full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! "
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You Stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee!"
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I just HATE when that happens. :)
Mark
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Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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I hope I didn't already post this. You know how it is when you get old.
Subject: FW: The difference if you marry an IDAHO girl!
> Three friends married women from different parts of the West .
> > The first man married a woman from Oregon . He told her that she
> was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days,
> but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
> washed and put away.
>
> The second man married a woman from Montana . He gave his wife
> orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
> The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
> was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
> were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
>The third man married a girl from Idaho.
> He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
> laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
> the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
> anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and
> he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed
> enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
> He still has some difficulty when he pees.
>
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A man fell into a pile of glass and quickly made a spectacle of himself.
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
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This is too good not to read. Sometimes there is justice in this ole
world and this is a good example of it.
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old
man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched
throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitching post. As
he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,"No, I never did dance -
just never wanted to."
A crowd gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you
old fool, you're gonna' dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's
feet.
The old prospector, in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots
perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.
When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old
man then turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun and
cocked both hammers back. The loud audible double clicks carried clearly
through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost
deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The young gunslinger was finding it hard to swallow. The barrels of the
shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man calmly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ***?"
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, "No, But I've always wanted to."
There are two lessons to be learned here:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?