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The
This may have already been posted here , however.......................here goes.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and
being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side
of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured
the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper
thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd
never played before.....from Going Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to
Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace
and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never
seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."
And my sincere apologies to Hidehunter ( I just realized who posted this gem first). In any case, I thought it good enough to repost
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Boudreaux he been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta
night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his
mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat
froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be
real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake
din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get
hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his
bait can.
Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite
him good, but he have a plan.
He reach into de back pockt of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a
Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.
Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to
fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif
two more frogs.
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priceless words of wisdom
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at thecasino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb, but all men.....are men
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That was a good one, it has been sent to a number of my old friends, who know it is also the truth.
Gentle Thoughts for Today…
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight; because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement..
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved!
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then, you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Dear Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder, and your hand over my mouth... Amen!!
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I?d like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never getanother chance.'To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for theentire ride and don't say a word I won't chargeyou a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers,but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you toyell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue .
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue 's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue 's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue 's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue 's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue 's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist'!
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If this has been posted before I'm sorry. It's just sooo funny.
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS.
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dummy' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H***!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE H***!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their return!
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
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<Oh!! Oh!! Painful!! Laughing so hard ... tears running own my face ... hard to catch my breath .. wheezing. Oh my gawd!! Thank you!!>
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jim,
I am sending you a bill for a new monitor and keyboard. :lol: