The 5 questions most feared by men
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, s**t loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat" No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh s**t
The Rules & Scoring System
Wish I'd known this 30 years ago.
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-2
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............+5
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the rain.............................................. .....+8
But return with beer..........................................-1
And no panty liners..........................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat............................................... ..-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party..........................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a school
Drinking buddy............................................. ...-2
Named Tiffany........................................... ......-5
Tiffany is a dancer..........................................-10
With breast implants.........................................-20
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....................................+1
You buy a card and flowers....................................+2
You take her out to dinner....................................+5
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.........+10
Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................-10
And it's all-you-can-eat night...............................-20
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team.............................-30
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal............................................... .. 0
The pal is happily married................................... +1
The pal is single............................................-10
He drives a Ferrari..........................................-20
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)..................-30
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+5
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+8
You take her to a movie you like..............................-5
It's called Death Cop III....................................-10
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.......................-20
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-30
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly............................-5
You develop a noticeable pot belly & get rid of it...........+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts............................................ ..-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".............-100
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"...................................... ....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ***"......................-100
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.................+1
You listen, for over 30 minutes...............................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You have fallen asleep......................................-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.............................................. ......-100
You don't talk.............................................. .-10
You spend time with her.....................................-100
You don't spend time with Her...............................-100
You are seen enjoying yourself..............................-100
From a stupid quotes site ...
Stupid Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
For your friends who send you annoying emails