Most of you have probably heard this before but with all of the "heated" conversations recently I thought everyone could use a laugh. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
Bernie
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Most of you have probably heard this before but with all of the "heated" conversations recently I thought everyone could use a laugh. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
Bernie
Even after the 5 or six times I've heard this. it's still GREAT.
Thanks for posting
Mark
CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS
>
>
> On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
> and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
>
> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
> dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
> music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
> spring-water.
>
> When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
> few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
> curtain rods.
>
> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>
> On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
> at first all was bliss.
>
> Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
>
> They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
>
> Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>
> Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
> set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
> few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
> carpeting. Nothing worked!
>
> People stopped coming over to visit.
> Repairmen refused to work in the house.
> The maid quit.
>
> Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had
> to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half
> - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
>
> Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
> their calls.
>
> Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
> huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
>
> Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
> her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that
> she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
> divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
>
> Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
> on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...
> but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
>
> She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
> paperwork.
>
> A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
> the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....
>
> .. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
>
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Mark
Marco
That was so good I had to copy/paste and send it on !!!
Bernie
A recently divorced man was enjoying his first vacation after going through a nasty divorce. Walking in the sand on an island beach, he came upon an old lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picked up the lamp and when he rubbed the sand off of it, a beautiful genie appeared.
Genie: "I am the Spirit of the Lamp, and will grant you three wishes."
Man: " Well, after going through a divorce where my ex-wife took me to the cleaners, I could use 10 million dollars."
Genie: "Since I am a woman and sympathize with your ex-wife - whatever you receive, your ex-wife will get twice as much."
The man reluctantly agreed, and before his eyes appeared 10 million dollars. At the same moment, his ex-wife was sitting at her kitchen table, and 20 million dollars appeared in front of her.
Man: "My next wish is for a new Ferrari."
A shiny red Ferrari appeared on the sand next to him, and two new Ferraris appeared in his ex-wife's driveway. The thought of his ex-wife getting double his wishes was almost too much to bear as he pondered his next wish.
Genie: "You still have one wish left."
The man thought for a while.
Man: " I want you to beat me half to death.";)
A little political. Grow a skin!!:p
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ?Well,? he says, ?I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?
The Tennessee contractor al so does some measuring and figuring, then says, ?I can do this job for $700: $300 for materi al s, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.?
The Chicago contractor doesn?t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, ?$2,700.?
The official, incredulous, says, ?You didn?t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure??
The Chicago contractor whispers back, ?$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.?
?Done!? replies the government official .
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Testimony given in court: (Let's pick on lawyers for awhile)
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Did you all know that Chuck Norris is so tough...
That when he goes swimming he doesn't get wet...
The water gets 'Chucked'?
Buddy
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lew
We aren't offended here in TN. We know that you're just trying to provoke us into to visiting you at the ID Fish-In. I'm very flattered. Thank you.
Ed