Ugly rumors is all they are; no real foundation to any of them. But let's not take any
unnecessary chances. There is no truth that fly-fishers, especially 'Dry-Fly' fishers are
arrogant, conceited, 'tweedy,' 'better-than-thou' 'nose-in-the-air' obnoxious fly fishermen.
But, if it was just the littlest bit true, this is what I might suggest. If it were true, perhaps
I can help ward off some scorn by attempting to help them 'fit-in,' so to speak. Kinda
of 'camouflage' themselves some.
I think adding a few of those cute little souvenir stickers of the states you have visited,
(you know the ones, little map type things) to the rear window of your Lincoln SUV
might help. Additionally, a bumper-sticker relating somehow to guns or beer may be a
nice touch. A spring-loaded CB antenna would be a welcome addition, but may look
out of place. You don't want over-kill or they may spot you as a phoney.
Try hanging out in some of the 'ner-do-well' sections of your community. Listen carefully
to the vernacular and especially any hint of a 'dialect.' These can be tantamount to success
if you are to go un-noticed in your travels. Try ( hard as it may be ) to incorporate little
words and phrases into your vocabulary. Words such as: gosh, gol-dern, Bubba,
aw-shucks, whatchyausin, and Billy-Bob. I think you get the general idea. Learn to
string 'em together if possible. I know this is a big order, but the rewards may be
worth it in the long run.
As for your selection of fishing gear, here we can get real imaginative, with judicious
constraints of course. Remember, do not go over-board on any of this. Moderation
at all times is a requisite. Fly boxes are the first place I would make some changes.
The large discount stores, (you know them, the ones you wouldn't go into if paid ),
well, go. I know it is going to be different but this is necessary. A false beard and
some borrowed cloths from your brother-in-law may be considered here. Check
that option for sure. Once inside you should find the 'Fishin' Dept.' near the rear
of the store, well past the clothing, lawn-mowers and bicycles. Saunter (do not
just walk) up to the counter and wiping your mouth with the sleeve of your right
arm, mumble something like, "Ya got any fish-flies?"
With that hurdle accomplished, complain about the "crummy weather, the fishin ain't
what it ursta be, and yer gotta take yer nephew a'fishin'. That should be a good
opening gambit allowing you free reign of the fly selection (such as it will be). Here
a tad of imitation 'tobaccy' juice dribbling from a lip-corner might be a nice flourish,
but is not essential. Select at least two of the cheapest fly boxes in sight and fill them
respectively with nymphs (I know, but life is like that) , and 'woolly-bugger' type flies
( hang in there, you can do this ). Try not to perspire noticeably. This will be over
soon. Remember, these are not to be used, but only for 'show,' and/or left open
on the seat of your vehicle.
If finances allow (like that is ever a problem) pick up a cheap spinning 'combo,' (rod,
reel, and line) for further diversion to be thrown recklessly into the back seat of your
SUV. A hat. I almost forgot the 'Hat.' Very important! While at the store look about
at some of the other departments for a baseball type, not expensive, adjustable strap
and a hole in the back. Be especially observant for any thing dealing with fertilizer or
plumbing. These are winners. Get two. (Hint, once outside, place each under the
wheels of your vehicle and run over them several times, thus procuring some of the
chemicals from the parking lot and impregnating them forever with the distinguishing
When you go 'astream' do not wear your normal argyle stockings and box-back coat,
but perhaps some more of your brother-in-laws attire may be considered. And, yes,
wear one of the hats, the other to be left on the seat of your car. If you are tempted
to reverse the hat, wear some sun-screen or you will burn a spot on your forehead
with a narrow band across t it. Definitely tacky to say the least when displayed at
board-meetings. Remember, you are trying not to stand out, but to blend in with the
common folks, and you have a good start at this point, don't blow it.
After attaching a Royal-Adams and casually working your way to the waters edge, look
about and if not observed, make your cast upstream as it should be. If in the unlikely
chance you become noticed you have two choices, but they must be executed smartly.
No time for hesitation here. Turn sharply about and pretend that the cast had been your
'back-cast' and immediately make a down-stream cast drowning and ruining the dry
fly. No one will catch on to this one, it's been used successfully for years. The other
option is to make like you have just lost a nice fish that had taken your fly for a ride
straight upstream. This does not carry the degree of credibility as does the first, but
may be used with discretion if needed.
A word of caution here. Do not be tempted to fish any of the 'nymphs' or 'woolly-bugger'
flies under any but the most extreme situations. (Such as to avoid positive detection) If you
do so it is at your own risk, I will not be in any way responsible. In the unlikely chance
that this does occur, fish them out and remove the resulting fish with as little fan-fare
as possible as to not attract any undue attention.
Remember, these things will produce fish under nearly any condition on almost any water
and should be used with utmost caution. That fact alone probably accounts for the high
percentage of fly fishers who chose to use them. But do not be swayed by mere facts
and such success. Stick with your avowed hobby and you shall prevail. I have heard
that those who do indeed use flies such as these are nearly as addicted as you and I,
hard as that may be to believe. How could anyone have such a strong preference to
a type of fly-fishing. I just do not understand them.
Well, good luck, you are on your own now. I hope this may have helped some.
'Upstream and dry,' ~ James Castwell