Men are from Mars; women are from Venus. At least that's what
one guy said, and he made a mint selling the book; but I think
he missed a few things. My wife thinks men are from dark,
obscure caves called basements, and most fly-fishermen I know
would tell you that wives come from another planet, but none
of us is sure which planet that might be. One thing's for
sure; we don't speak the same language.
Most fly-fishermen aren't known for articulate speech. In other
words, we don't have a way with words, especially words associated
with the female language. I'm not going to try to tell you that
I understand the female language; that's for the guy who wrote
that book. I assure you, I don't understand it at all; but I
have managed to glean a few tidbits of experience from many
years of marriage that might be helpful.
At the risk of creating a cosmic disturbance big enough to cause
wives to change their secret language, I'm going to pass on some
of the things I've learned. I do this in the hope that these hints
will perhaps improve the marital harmony of a few fly-fishermen
having a tough time with this stuff. Here's a few key words and
phrases that you need to understand if you want to survive the
marital communications barrier.
I'm bored - This means "I'm bored," but it doesn't tell you
anything more. It could be a hint that she wants to go out to a
mushy movie or maybe wants to change the color of the living-room
walls. It might mean she wants to go out to eat or needs a chauffeur
to drive her to the mall. It's your job to guess what she means
and suggest it promptly. If you blow it, you'll experience the
next type of communication.
Silence - This unspoken type of communication means you missed
a subtle hint, didn't guess right, didn't catch the "I'm bored" hint,
or were supposed to know something without any hints at all. Don't
bother asking because the answer will be "If you don't know, I'm not
going to tell you!" You blew it buddy, and getting out of this mess
isn't going to be easy. The problem is, you don't have a clue about
what you did wrong or how to fix the problem.
SILENCE! - This unspoken form of communication is deafening.
It usually means you forgot something vital like a birthday,
anniversary or other important date. It could also mean that
you accidentally said or did something inconsiderate; like
taking a fishing trip with your buddies when she wanted you
to suggest doing something romantic with her. You aren't
going to win, and any hints you get will be subtracted from
the time you have to guess what the problem is and find the
We don't talk anymore / We don't do anything exciting
anymore. - Guys, this doesn't mean she wants to see an action
movie. I'll be darned if I know what it does mean, but don't
believe it when you hear the ad "Nothing says it like flowers."
Flowers won't get you out of this mess. It's going to cost you
a lot more than that; probably a weekend at some place you'd
never visit on your own. If you had a fishing getaway planned,
circle that weekend on the calendar and make reservations for
the other place. Those words are hard on the fly-fisherman's
We don't do things together anymore - This doesn't mean
she wants you to invite her on your next fishing trip. It's
more likely to mean a day trip to the mall (in a town at least
100 miles from home), followed by a "romantic" dinner of
indigestible food, illuminated by candles so you won't know
what you're eating. If the dinner bill doesn't cost at least
a day's wages, you're not out of the doghouse yet.
On (insert a date from years ago) you said (did) (insert
anything that might be inconsiderate) - This is a killer. You
don't stand a chance on this one. There isn't a fly-fisherman
in the whole world who can remember what he said yesterday,
so a quote from ten years ago can't be defended against.
Who knows if the event really happened? You can't remember
even little clips of that day, so you don't have a chance
to defend yourself. Even if you had the memory of an elephant,
it couldn't match the total recall a wife has of an obscure
event that happened many years ago, when you transgressed the
rules of marital communications. Do you have a credit line
at the florist shop?
I hope this little lesson in marital communications helps. I'm
sure it won't keep you out of the doghouse, but it might help
you discover why you're there. Finding the right solution to
your transgressions is your problem. I'm working on my own
solutions and don't have time to help you with yours. ~ AC